Meet the the Lunchers, the oh-so-important businessmen who will seat, eat and retreat in record time.
Have you been so lucky as to work in the service industry? Have you had the utter joy of abasing yourself before those for whom every restaurant outing is an exciting opportunity for a power play just waiting to be fulfilled? Perhaps one day a hip-hop star will leave you a thousand-dollar tip, Nicolas Cage will leave you a winning lottery ticket, or someone will smile at you with kindness.
But probably not today.
Today, you will do your side work of filling empty ketchup bottles and rolling silverware into paper napkins. You will avoid the bony grasp of your insane boss. (All restaurant owners are certifiably batty. It is the law.) You will Windex the plastic-covered menus. You will dream of Aruba or an apartment big enough so you do not have to sleep on the couch.
Later, if you are being portrayed in a film by Helen Hunt, you will drink an entire fifth of vodka to wash away the stink of the day, and if you're lucky, you will wake up looking like Charlize Theron in "Monster." The life of a waitress is the one Hollywood most pities -- probably because they remember exactly how they treated you that one time, with the finger snaps and the "doll."
So go back to the glory years of waitressing and sample some of these all-too-familiar customer types:
The Yup Couple
Oh, nothing is good enough for the Yup Couple. This is because the she of the couple is tightly wound -- like Caligula was tightly wound -- and the he of the two is afraid of her. He will not say a word; he will just look away in shame as she does the berating for the both of them. She does all her scolding with a gentle smile and an amused tone. She is far too well-mannered to raise her voice.
